Good morning, everyone.
Apologies for not getting back to you at the end of my day yesterday. Not long after I had posted yesterday’s entry the post arrived and two letters for me did not make enjoyable reading. One was from my solicitor representing me for the police issue and the other was from the Health Professionals Council (HPC). They both reminded me of the mess that I am in and worried me all day. The HPC letter said there had been a complaint made against me by the ambulance service about my “fitness to practice”. The complaint stems from the Nottinghamshire County Council Emergency Duty Team contacting my employer stating I was “mentally unstable and a risk to myself and others”. Therefore my employers have a procedure to follow and one of their actions has to be making the HPC aware of the inter-agencies’ concerns. Whilst the letter did say I can still practise as a paramedic until the HPC carry out an investigation, the whole idea of my career being on the line makes me feel sick to the stomach with worry and anxiety.
Close to breaking point
As for the police issue, reading between the lines it seems that case may well be dropped and no further action will be taken. However, the idea of being in trouble with the police frightens me and if I do receive a caution or conviction I will instantly lose my job and the decent income it brings. I feel I have so many mountains to climb before I get near to any kind of normality. Knowing that I have a million and one things to sort out in respect of my home circumstances, my health and my career is emotionally draining and frustrating. I really don’t know how much more I can take and I am fearing that I am close to breaking point.
I don’t want to start the day on a downer or impact on anyone who is feeling low so I’m going to try and be positive. I got up early this morning as I’d struggled sleeping and was having some vivid and distressing dreams. The sun is out again with a nice cool breeze. I’m sitting in the garden admiring the work Andrew and I did yesterday and trying to feel good about it. I am a big believer that there is always a solution to a problem so I’m trying to work out what I can do to ease my distress and worries about my current situation. I think today has to be a thinking day to try and come up with ways forward to sort out the mess I am in as opposed to dwelling on it.
Advice appreciated
Today is a day when I would really appreciate comments from you all with any advice. Maybe you have found yourself in a similar situation and managed to overcome it in a healthy, practical and positive way? I would love to hear any advice or support which may help me through this difficult time. Meanwhile I’ll keep twanging my elastic band, enjoying the sunshine and thinking about how I can solve my problems.
I’d just like to thank those who are reading my blog and taking the time out to do so. Your support is much appreciated and I hope I’m not boring you with my tales of woe. Telling your friends about the blog and my book would also be appreciated. Focusing on a second and third book is also helping me to remain positive.
I look forward to hearing from you soon
Love and best wishes
Angela
Please believe me | Angela's law 
Stay strong, Angela. I’m thinking of you. You have come through worse in the past and you will again. xx
I dont think you should worry too much about writing down how you are feeling,this is your blog and if somebody feels they cant cope with reading the negative side,they can always read it later. On the other hand,for yourself it is better that you dont concentrate too much on negatives,but writing down how you feel is a positive thing I think.
I have not had a similar experience to yours, but my brother had a similarly frustrating time with social services and the police. The mother of his children (after they had split up) had accused him of poisoning the children with salt while they were with him (after seeing an article in a newspaper). Although a doctor proved within two days that this was untrue,his ex went on to accuse him of other things,all proven to be untrue. This resulted in him being estranged from the children for a year,due to ‘procedures’.
Anyway, the point is that he got through it,mainly through self belief,help from friends and family,and also allowing himself to be angry now and again about the unfairness of his situation,as well as talking about how he felt.
It was a strain for him,and in some ways he is still getting over it,but all is well now, and he sees the children regularly (he is even on speaking terms with his ex).
Although the various ineptitudes of the bodies involved are prolonging everything to the extent where you cant see an end,I’m sure,like my brother, you will get through this. The only advice I can think of to give is to try and concentrate on one thing at a time,and to deal with things on a day to day basis.
Good luck
Cameron
Hi Angela,
Like most people, I’m better at giving others advice than doing the right thing myself ;o) But when things are hard all you can really do – in my opinion -is just to try to stay in the moment and deal with the things you can do something about. Those things that are outwith your control just need to be accepted meantime.
Don’t know if that helps! Take care. Things will shift in time.
Hi Angela
Good luck. I work on the other side of the fence in a CMHT and despite the heroic recovery you are living, I know it can seem that the staff (who should be helping) have no appreciation of what you go through on a minute by minute basis and are actually the ones making it worse. Staff get anxious that you will kill yourself (or others) during their watch – which leads to horrendous punitive enquiries for staff. So staff over-react and fret about their paperwork and lose sight of the main thing which is building a good relationship.
Also, unfortunately, there have been a number of well–publicised incidents of parents ending their own lives and those of their children. So Services are now totally over-reactive. I am working with a lady with very similar experiences to you and she has had to go through child protection conferences etc which are beyond stressful for her and of course not great for her mental health.
I hope things settle down for you and your consultant decides they can discharge the section and let you get on with your journey. My only thought is to try and make the staff into people you can work with rather than to always fight against. You may be so used to struggling against authority that it feels impossible to find staff that you can work with and trust.
You sound heroic in what you are living with. BPD (for what labels are worth) is really difficult to manage but you sound like you are doing fantastically despite the current difficulties. All the very best. If it is ok with you, I mention your blog to some of the people I work with (staff and patients) – it may really help staff understand!
Best wishes
Adrienne
Adrienne