Angela Bayley as a little girl, enjoying an ice lolly.

This is me as a little girl. How I would love to get back to that state of innocent happiness. It's difficult when even those in so-called caring professions can't even be bothered to ask me how I am. At least the police were friendly today.

Hi, everyone.

I hope you have all had a good day.

Relief

The day for me has been somewhat stressful and it’s a relief that it’s nearly over. I am feeling very tired but realise you as readers may be wondering what happened with the police. Therefore I am just going to try and explain what happened in brief.  I may try to expand on things tomorrow.

Hospital cocked up again… feeling alone

Yet again the hospital cocked up with the arrangements of my interview, but fortunately I spoke to my solicitor first thing this morning who confirmed the interview was scheduled for 11 a.m. and not 10. Andrew took me to the police station and not one member of staff on the ward wished me good luck or wished me well before I left. I felt so alone and uncared for, and had it not been for Andrew’s support I think I’d have crumbled and gone into emotional meltdown. Andrew encouraged me to stay strong and just tell the truth.

Police kind and sympathetic

We arrived at the police station in good time and waited for my solicitor and the interviewing officers in the main reception area. I felt so ashamed when I had to tell the receptionist that I was there to answer bail. The officers arrived at 11 sharp, one male and one female. They appeared kind and sympathetic, introduced themselves by first names and said they worked in the child abuse unit. The male officer asked if I wanted a drink and I accepted his offer of a cup of tea. They said they would come and get me when my solicitor arrived.

Agonising wait

At approximately 11.15 the female officer came to see me with what she said was “bad news”. My solicitor had rung to say he would be forty-five minutes late due to being stuck in court. I felt sick to the stomach at the thought of having a further agonising wait. Andrew supported me until my solicitor arrived. All I wanted to do was get things over and done with. I was petrified that the officers would put me under pressure, try to trick me or accuse me of lying. I felt too fragile to cope with huge amounts of stress but did want to defend myself…. “Where was my solicitor?”

Under arrest

At noon he arrived. He was very confident in his manner and seemed efficient despite being late, which he apologised for. He was expecting me to be in custody but the two officers had been kind enough not to put me through the ordeal of being shoved into a cell. My solicitor said he would go and speak to the police and then come back and get me. Minutes later he was back and took me to the custody area. I had to be booked in again and was informed that I was back under arrest. I was read my rights by the custody sergeant, who was kind and gentle. The female officer then took me into a cell to search me, apologising for the procedure. She kept chatting to me throughout the booking in process, I think in an attempt to reassure me. The male officer made me a drink and then I had a private meeting with my solicitor. He took some history and I gave him an explanation of why I had said, whilst feeling irrational, that I wanted to commit suicide and wanted to take the girls with me. Talking about it made me feel really ashamed of myself, and cold – how I could possibly even harm my daughters in the slightest way? The solicitor talked through the interview process, telling me that I would be cautioned and that everything would be on tape. We then went to the interview room with the two officers.

Capable of killing the girls?

If I tell you about the whole interview it would take as long as the interview itself (which was and hour and a half), and you might find it too long to read. Therefore I will tell you in brief. The male officer asked all the questions and the female officer made notes, as did my solicitor. Initially everything was very formal; I was read my rights and had to say my name, date of birth and address. The officer then enquired about my mental health history, asking how I was feeling at the time of saying what I did and what my real intentions had been. We had a lengthy discussion about my memory of the event (which was very little) and whether I was capable of killing the girls – and did I know how I would do it?-  to which I gave a resounding NO! Work was mentioned, and my access to drugs, and I was asked if I could use them to kill myself and the girls. I said I could do it to myself but wouldn’t know how to do it to the girls and never would. I said I’d been a paramedic with the Trust I’m with for five years and had never once taken any drugs myself, or attempted to. I did admit to having thoughts about the drugs at times, but that’s all they were, and my professional conscience would never allow me to do it;  I would go off sick if I felt like doing such a thing.

Compassionate

Throughout the interview the officers were thoughtful, understanding and compassionate. Whilst they didn’t comment on the outcome of the case they  informed me about what would happen next. The interview finished, and although at times I had been tearful and upset I hadn’t felt too distressed or under any great pressure at any point.

Conditions

The custody sergeant bailed me to appear at the police station in six weeks, on 12 August 2010 at noon. He asked me various questions about my detention and my health. I asked him if there were any conditions to my bail and he said, “Yes!” I was stunned and then immediately relieved when he said, “Yes, get yourself better and stay well!” He was just being kind. He said no to any conditions, I shook hands with the solicitor, and the police officers took me back to the hospital.

No greeting, no lunch, and a dig from my consultant

I arrived on the ward and not a word was said by the staff. No one had saved me any lunch either. Andrew came to see me and to attend the multi-disciplinary team meeting, which was quite stressful. I was angry at the lack of care and voiced it to my consultant. She refused me leave, reverting back to her reasons for assessment (dissociative episodes that might be monitored). I told her the assessment was a waste of time, as I explained in my previous blog, but it fell on deaf ears. My consultant wanted dates and times when Rob would be at home so she could consider leave, but she also had a dig at me, saying that her time had been taken up by meetings concerning myself. I left the meeting fuming as well as feeling let down.

Six hours’ wait for a kind word

At 9.00 p.m. one member of staff, who is my named nurse, asked how I was and how things had gone at the police station. I’d been on the ward six hours, feeling fragile and battling with the feelings that came out of the interview before someone could enquire as to how I was.

Contacted my MP

I emailed my MP tonight, asking for his help to get me the therapy I need. I will let you all know if I hear anything.

Suspension

I also received a call from my union rep telling me that on Friday I will be formally suspended. If am allowed to talk about my case I will also let you know about that too.

Thanks!

Thank goodness for Andrew and Laura coming to see me, spending the evening with me and supporting me with everything I’ve talked about so far.

Thank you to you as readers, for listening to me and sending your comments too. This blog is really helping me stay focussed and it helps knowing people are actually listening to me and that it could help others too.

I will speak to you all soon.

Love and best wishes

Angela x