Archives for posts with tag: psychiatry
Angel Bayley on a beach ball as a child.

This is me sitting on a beach ball as a little girl. In some ways I had more control over my life then, before things went wrong, than I do even now, when I feel as if I am being helplessly bounced around between various authorities.

Hi, everyone.

I hope you are all feeling well.

Thank goodness for my named nurse

I was going to talk to you more about my police interview but having read what I posted last night there isn’t much more to say, apart from thank goodness for my named nurse last night, and his understanding when things were difficult during the night.

Awkward and hostile, threat of Section 3

Today has been fairly uneventful, apart from a meeting I had with my consultant at 11.30. She arrived at 11.45 and we went into one of the side rooms. She wanted to talk about my dissociation. She couldn’t get to grips with what happens and was adamant that I need monitoring. I explained that dissociation wouldn’t happen while I was here and, more importantly, while staff remained in the office and away from where the patients area. She was insistent, and I feel sure now it was an excuse for her to stop me from going home on leave. She even discussed my possibly going onto a section 3, even though I wasn’t giving anyone cause for concern. After a very awkward and hostile conversation she agreed I could go home for:

  • 17.00 – 21.00 tonight
  • 10.00 – 18.00 tomorrow (Friday)
  • 10.00 Saturday – 18.00 Sunday
  • Hospital Monday and Tuesday ready for ward round (multi-disciplinary team meeting)

Utter rubbish

I really had to fight for this, and her only defence for not allowing long amounts of leave, despite Andrew being at home tomorrow and all weekend, was that she wanted me monitored for any dissociation. I’m so frustrated as she has to confirm with the police that I do dissociate, even though staff or her don’t witness it. Her theory for a section 3 also is that I am a potential danger to others (the girls), which is utter rubbish.

Patients left to sort out fight themselves

The day has been long with very little to do apart from drink tea. Time seemed to pass slowly as I was counting the minutes down until Andrew came to pick me up. He arrived on the dot and we went to our local for some tea and a drink. Laura was at her friends, so Andrew and I made the most of time alone at the pub and at home. We had a lovely time and 9 p.m. was upon me before I knew it. I arrived back at the ward bang on 9 and the staff had not even noticed I’d gone. Apparently, according to other patients, the staff had all been in the office all night and the patients even had to sort a highly fuelled altercation between two of them themselves.

Worried about losing my job

Tomorrow is a worrying day. I am due to be suspended from work, because it’s policy if you have been arrested for anything. I could even be disciplined for not telling my employers straightaway. My meeting is at my ambulance station with my manager at 13.00. If I am not gagged by the service I will let you all know how I get on tomorrow evening. Tonight is going to be difficult as I’m very worried about my job, which is very dear to me and is also a huge protective factor for me. Working is my best therapy. I have never performed badly on the job. In fact, I am often praised for my work. On the occasions when I’ve felt unwell I have always complied with the Health Professionals Council’s Code of Conduct, and reported sick.

I will speak to you all tomorrow and I hope you have a good day.

Love and best wishes

Angela x

With my teddy when I was a baby

With my teddy when I was a baby. It listened to me far more than the appeals panel did today.

Hi, everyone.

I hope you’re all well and enjoyed your weekend.

Unfair and traumatic appeal

Some of you may be wondering how my appeal went today. To be honest, it was a foregone conclusion. Sadly, I lost it and the panel (the same as last week’s) decided not to lift the section two. I won’t bore you with all the details of today’s appeal. However, I do want to discuss how unfair and traumatic the process was.

Whilst I accept the possible reasons for my original detention under the Mental Health Act, I do not understand why services can only provide containment instead of therapy for me, and support and help to maintain a healthy environment for me and my family.

Today, the appeal consisted of the three panel members (an independent psychiatrist, a judge and a lay person), plus a social worker, a ward nurse manager, my consultant and my solicitor. I might as well not have been in the meeting. Let me explain why I feel like this…

Everyone asked… except me

Before entering the room, my solicitor asked me to keep my cool. We entered the room and sat in the same seats as before, the judge opposite me. He started by clearly stating that no one was to speak unless spoken to, nor interrupt people as they were speaking. He introduced himself  and his panel again, and then asked everyone for an opinion – with the exception of myself.

Contradictory evidence

I sat in silence and listened to the judge and had to keep my mouth shut. Each party was questioned by the panel and then questioned by my solicitor. A good fifty minutes to an hour later, I was still silent. My consultant shocked me with some of her answers to the questions she was asked. To summarise:  her report and verbal evidence were contradictory. On the one hand, she wanted me to remain on the section due to the alleged risk “I posed to myself and others”. On the other hand, she was the one who allowed me to have section 17 home leave for five days last week.

Hurtful and inaccurate

Much of what the ward manager said was what my consultant had written in her report and what she had said to the panel. (A lot of what my consultant had written in her report had originally come from my book, Disruptive.) Meanwhile, I remained silent while they made some very hurtful comments about me, with many inaccuracies, as they recounted traumatic events.

Errors and miscommunication

Then the nurse was questioned, and all he really  did was repeat (parrot!) my consultant’s answers to the questions, with the odd comment about me absconding from the ward last week and a few nursing comments to the effect that I had been compliant with treatment on the ward. My solicitor was really good at this point, and delved deeply into my absconding, pointing out the reasons for it. The nurse in charge eventually confirmed the cock-up made about my contact with the girls and explained that I’d been caught up in various errors and miscommunications.

Social worker had only met me once

Next it was the social worker’s turn. The panel asked him questions and he agreed that because he didn’t write the report he couldn’t comment an awful lot. He also confirmed that he didn’t know me very well and that he had only met me on one occasion. He then rabbited on about risk and safety and said that it had been confirmed by the children’s and young people’s service that if I were to return home it would not be deemed to be a child protection issue. What then became confusing was that he continued to bleat on about risk and safety and how Andrew couldn’t look after me or protect the girls properly as he has to sleep at night!

Making no sense

I glanced across at the panel and saw the psychiatrist’s eyes closing and his head dropping. He was obviously bored as the social worker was making no sense. My solicitor asked him various questions about him knowing me, care in the community and what the needs of child services really were. The social worker had real difficulty in committing to anything, and it was evident that he really hadn’t got a clue about my case, just a judgemental view on it.

Misquoted my husband

Within the social circumstances report there is a section about the nearest relative. According to the report, Andrew had said he wanted me to remain on the section. Seeing the report before the meeting, I had been horrified until I had spoken with Andrew to clarify things, a fact that was revealed to the panel, my solicitor making it clear that he too had spoken with Andrew before the hearing. Andrew, incidentally had also been horrified when I told him what was in the report, because, in fact, Andrew had said that “if remaining on the section means Angela will get the treatment she needs, I will agree to it”. However, Andrew had also said that he wanted me home as it was disruptive to the family my being in hospital and he was willing to care for me.

Only solicitor positive

I felt so frustrated sat in the middle of all the so-called experts, not being able to challenge any of their theories or opinions. This silence triggered so many unpleasant feelings for me, and at one point the whole thing really felt like abuse all over again. Because I had to remain silent for so long, the “silence message” was ingrained on my brain so that when questioned by my solicitor I struggled to answer – I just knew I’d lost before I’d started. Not one positive comment was made in that room by anyone but my solicitor when he did his summing up. He did say I was willing to remain a voluntary patient and was even requesting further help (which wasn’t forthcoming from the services). He also questioned “the risk” expressed by the experts, and challenged my consultant as I had had a period of five days’ leave prior to the hearing.

Hospital assessment of dissociative state not practical

Leave was challenged as I’d been honest and said I’d had some difficulties with dissociating on the Sunday night and problems connected with this. Little did I know, this would be held against me at the time of the hearing. My consultant stated she still wanted me in hospital for “assessment” so my dissociated behaviour could be assessed… Pretty difficult when it normally happens at home and with limited company as opposed to on a busy ward with lots of people!

Not going to lift section

At 16.30 the hearing drew to a close and we were asked to leave the room. We were instructed that the panel would deliberate and make their decision and would inform us as soon as they had reached it. One representative from the hospital had to be present as well as me and my solicitor. At 16.55 we were called back in, minus my consultant – amazing how she was able to cause such a fuss and leave such carnage behind and then not be there for the verdict! The judge instructed me that after listening to everyone and having taken a while to reach a decision they had agreed that they were not going to lift the section. They said their goodbyes and we left the room.

Expected to let them abuse me all over again!

I was disappointed but not surprised as it felt like a foregone conclusion from the outset. I had a brief chat with my solicitor who said he was going to come back and see me in a few days. The social worker disappeared and so did the nurse. To say I posed such a risk to people that I needed to remain locked up seemed ridiculous. Up to this stage, I have been allowed to go off the ward whenever I feel like it and not one nurse has ever asked me how I am and if I need to talk. It seems I’m still expected to remain silent, and sit back and let services abuse me all over again!

Andrew has visited tonight to tell me of another hurdle to get over. The police want to interview me tomorrow at 10 a.m. with a view to charging me, if they can, for threatening to kill. My job is still hanging in the balance and had it not been for my husband, my daughters and this blog, I would be very ill, if not dead. This blog is allowing me, like my book, to break my silence.

I will be in touch tomorrow and let you know how the day’s events pan out and what my future holds.

Take care everyone, and thank you so much for listening to me.

Love and best wishes


[This entry was written late at night and posted the following day.]

Angela Bayley in the sunshine as a baby

This is me as a baby enjoying the sunshine, much as I did on Sunday 11 July 2010!

Dear All

Today has been a lovely day and I hope you have benefited from the glorious sunshine.

Like I said I would, I have spent most of the day thinking. One of the comments posted really helped me to try and understand how services respond and why. Responding to situations or problems should be done in a more balanced way as opposed to a chaotic way. I have decided to sort out my mental health problems during this crisis and then tackle work and child protection issues.

Dissociating as a response to stress

This is just a short message tonight as I’m pretty tired and need to go to bed. If I stay up I would be putting myself at risk as my episodes of dissociating are on the increase and the hours go by and once I become fully oriented I find it difficult to recall anything. My psychiatrist wants me back in hospital today so the staff can record the episodes of dissociation. My named nurse has said what I am doing is a response to stress and will pass.

Thank you for your comments!

Today I received several  blog entry comments. Thank you everyone who has visited my site and left comments!  It means so much to me and the advice I have been given so far is very interesting and useful.

I will blog again tomorrow.

Good night and sleep well.

Love and best wishes

Angela x

Angela Bayley in her paramedic jacket.

Me in my paramedic jacket. I enjoy my job and hope to get back to it soon.

It’s 9 July at 08.45.

Good morning, everyone.

Today’s the day when I find out if I will be given back my freedom and can try and get back to some normality.

I’m pleased to say I coped pretty well last night with my mixture of emotions, and took myself off to bed as soon as any feelings started to spiral out of control. Again I felt proud that I dealt with my feelings effectively, without being self-destructive, which has helped keep the spring in my step.


My consultant asked me to return to the hospital ward this morning to see her at 09.30. On my arrival, the nursing staff asked if I could stay on the ward as my consultant now wanted to see me at 12.30. I feel so frustrated at the way healthcare professionals just change their appointments at the drop of a hat without consulting you. Andrew came with me to the hospital for the 09.30 appointment for support, and sadly has had to go to work and can’t return at 12.30 due to work commitments. He has taken so much time off work over the years to look after me and the girls so I can’t be disappointed at him for not being with me today. My disappointment and frustration is aimed at the people working for the NHS and how rude and inconsiderate they can be.


My nerves about this afternoon’s tribunal feel overwhelming just now. Now I’m at the hospital I can feel myself heading towards avoidance to deal with these feelings by asking the nursing staff for sedative medication (service-users would know this as PRN).

More later…